School is going well. I went to the movies today with like Jem and Lozz and Jordan and like Tyson, Georgie, Paul, Chris and Lisa. Sufficiantly awkward. Its harder than i ever thought it would be. I mean when i was with Tyson i thought no matter what, that we would be close. Its not like that though, its like we are worse than strangers. I don't know how that happened.

Everything hurts, i mean it really does, all deep inside and i feel like shaking and dying all at the same time. Its Jem, my boyfriend, its killing me slowly. If i was perfect it would be better. It would be, i know that. I just cry and cry then feel bad for even thinking about eating and i am going to my dads tonight. I don't want to eat badly but i always do.

That was hard, i deleted my old agount, but my age of HCS (Hide Cowgirl Seek) has started. I don't know why i like it but i really do. I am in the library at school, we are waiting for Jamie. The weekend is some what hard, especially with Jem and stuff, i really like him but i just can't do this anymore. I don't want to be depressed, and it seems like that is road i am heading down all over again.
Last year the cutting got really bad, and now i am scarred, in so many different ways. I just don't want to go there again, i won't lket myself go there again. I just don't know if my future is with Jem, like i am 16, i don't want it all serious, i am not ready for forever stuff. And i miss that feeling of perfectness. I want that back. I wish i could just be happy how it is now.
My diets are starting to wear me down, each time i say i won't eat, each time i want it more, but howmuch do i want it, what am i willing to give up for it? thats what i need to work out. I know i need more if i am going to get through this. This time i won't fail, i can't afford to, not anymore.

Bria